Everywhere you turn to, there is a Music Superstar.
The okada guy who carried you sometime, the aboki down your road, the babe that sells you fresh agege bread in the morning, and even the Traffic Controller who uses Michael Jackson's moon walk to control traffic, are all Superstars in their minds or aspiring to be.
The mark of a true Music Superstar is in his/her fanbase...or lack of it!!
Today, we are sharing tips on How to be a Music Superstar with No Fans:
Tip 1: The first rule of this game is to be very selfish; your work MUST and I repeat MUST not have any benefit for the people who would listen to it; in other words, Sing for Yourself.
Tip 2: During a concert, throw yourself into the crowd and when they part like the Red Sea and you fall hard on the ground, stand up and fight all of them for not catching you. Being a Rock Star is a no-nonsense business o!!
Tip 3: Even if one person by mistake likes your music and tries to tell you, accuse them of mocking you and being an enemy of progress. What?? Don’t you know that some of these so-called fans are spies in disguise?
Tip 4: Release a song in which you attack the fans and tell them how foolish they are for not buying your albums, but they would instead buy all the nonsense in the industry.
Tip 5: When one fan feels sorry for you and decides to ask for your autograph just to make you happy, chase him with cutlass, asking him whether you look like you’re desperate for fans.
Tip 6: Make-up a back story for yourself that the few fans you have would eventually find out is all a lie. E.g. telling them you're the Prince of Konibaje Kingdom who gave up the throne to pursue his dream of becoming a musician. Then they'll find out there is no Konibaje Kingdom!!
Tip 7: Release lyrics that can turn anyone who listens into suicidal stalkers a la Eminem's Stan; that way, there would be no-one left to become a fan.
Tip 8: It is a taboo to have a unique style: Copy everything and everyone that is popular.
Tip 9: Finally, make it your life’s work to go around the world preaching to students like you How to be a Music Superstar with no fans.
There are our 9 solid tips...Go and become the next Music Superstar...with or without fans!!!
Monday, August 24, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Wannabe Young Slangs
One of the funniest things we’ve encountered is when an elderly person is trying to appear youthful and funky by using slangs that were the ish in their day to try to blend in with the younger crowd.
They can end up saying something like ‘You’re looking jivey’!!!
I mean, who the heck says ‘jivey’ in today’s world!! LOL
Do you know of any other wannabe young slangs?
Please feel free to share…
They can end up saying something like ‘You’re looking jivey’!!!
I mean, who the heck says ‘jivey’ in today’s world!! LOL
Do you know of any other wannabe young slangs?
Please feel free to share…
How to look 10 times older than your real Age
Imagine walking into a room in which people you went to school with are present and they see you, quickly adjust their position and say ‘Good evening Sir/Ma’, even curtsying or prostrating in the process.
You look around wondering if one of your parents has followed you to this place, but there is no-one there and you realize with horror that it’s you they are greeting as they would greet an elder.
You tell them, ‘Ahn na me now, me and you share seat for Oshodi High School!!’
They argue with you that you’re just claiming to be young that the person you say you are is their age mate, but you ‘plenty regimes don change hands since you enter this world’.
Chai!!!
Anyway if that kind of thing excites you, then you’re at the right place! We have some ground-breaking tips that if practiced, will in a matter of days get you looking 10 times older than your real age.
Enjoy…
Tip 1: Why dye your hair, when you can worry? Worry the fastest way to turn grey….Worry!!
Tip 2: A wise person once said, ‘Activity isn’t always productivity’…um..did I say wise? Sorry that’s the motto for the Lazy Association of Nigeria (LAN). Any form of physical activity is dangerous to your looking ten times your real age!! So sit and stare all day!!
Tip 3: Rub bleaching creams and go out under the sun to roast!!
Tip 4: The past is only called the past because it is…well…past!! Live in the past through the clothes you wear, hairstyles you do and slangs you use…
Tip 5: Create your own wrinkles…strong your face all the time!!
Tip 6: Disapprove of everything and everyone…especially the ‘youths of today’ and let that disapproval show in your face at all times by having a permanently turned down mouth.
Tip 7: Carry all the troubles of the world on your shoulder. Hunchback is the P!!
Tip 8: This tip is for the ladies- Cover your face with 6 inches of powder, shave off all your eyebrows then draw a curved line that reaches your ears and wear lipstick that looks like war paint!! If that doesn’t get you looking ten times your age, nothing else will.
Tip 9: This last tip is for the guys: You have been called to lead the Nigerian people out of mental slavery!! So grow a Moses beard and carry a Don Jazzy stick.
Those are our 9 revolutionary tips on How to look 10 times older than your real age!!
We wonder where Miley Cyrus, singer and star of the hit TV show, Hannah Montana, who is aged 16, got her tips from.
She was recently mistaken for a 40year old woman by a shop attendant who even tried to sell her anti-wrinkle cream.
Miley Cyrus
The same woman mistook her bodyguard for her husband and her 8year old little sister for her daughter!!!
Poor Miley, see you’re not really having the best of both worlds there!!
As always, the How-to Class provides never been shared tips that will surely change your life.
Till we come again to serve you with more tips, keep being different!!!
You look around wondering if one of your parents has followed you to this place, but there is no-one there and you realize with horror that it’s you they are greeting as they would greet an elder.
You tell them, ‘Ahn na me now, me and you share seat for Oshodi High School!!’
They argue with you that you’re just claiming to be young that the person you say you are is their age mate, but you ‘plenty regimes don change hands since you enter this world’.
Chai!!!
Anyway if that kind of thing excites you, then you’re at the right place! We have some ground-breaking tips that if practiced, will in a matter of days get you looking 10 times older than your real age.
Enjoy…
Tip 1: Why dye your hair, when you can worry? Worry the fastest way to turn grey….Worry!!
Tip 2: A wise person once said, ‘Activity isn’t always productivity’…um..did I say wise? Sorry that’s the motto for the Lazy Association of Nigeria (LAN). Any form of physical activity is dangerous to your looking ten times your real age!! So sit and stare all day!!
Tip 3: Rub bleaching creams and go out under the sun to roast!!
Tip 4: The past is only called the past because it is…well…past!! Live in the past through the clothes you wear, hairstyles you do and slangs you use…
Tip 5: Create your own wrinkles…strong your face all the time!!
Tip 6: Disapprove of everything and everyone…especially the ‘youths of today’ and let that disapproval show in your face at all times by having a permanently turned down mouth.
Tip 7: Carry all the troubles of the world on your shoulder. Hunchback is the P!!
Tip 8: This tip is for the ladies- Cover your face with 6 inches of powder, shave off all your eyebrows then draw a curved line that reaches your ears and wear lipstick that looks like war paint!! If that doesn’t get you looking ten times your age, nothing else will.
Tip 9: This last tip is for the guys: You have been called to lead the Nigerian people out of mental slavery!! So grow a Moses beard and carry a Don Jazzy stick.
Those are our 9 revolutionary tips on How to look 10 times older than your real age!!
We wonder where Miley Cyrus, singer and star of the hit TV show, Hannah Montana, who is aged 16, got her tips from.
She was recently mistaken for a 40year old woman by a shop attendant who even tried to sell her anti-wrinkle cream.
Miley Cyrus
The same woman mistook her bodyguard for her husband and her 8year old little sister for her daughter!!!
Poor Miley, see you’re not really having the best of both worlds there!!
As always, the How-to Class provides never been shared tips that will surely change your life.
Till we come again to serve you with more tips, keep being different!!!
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
How to Use Your Money to Make Enemies
1. Plan a huge outing with your friends; you’re all seated around a table, place a large order of food and drink for yourself; eat your food alone, while they all watch longingly.
2. While your friend is celebrating their new Tokunbo car; say ‘Oh that reminds me’, and place a phone call to a car dealer, ordering for the latest, brand-new version of the same car, to add to your fleet.
3. When you drive your brand new car into your neighborhood, be sure to splash muddy water all over the first set of people you come across.
4. Walk into a club during this time of recession, order bottles of champagne which you’ll pop loudly and pour all over yourself
5. When you’re at an event with a friend or family member who is complaining about not being able to pay their bills, bring out the exact amount of money they need from your pocket, and start spraying people with it.
6. Tell your friends who stuck with you when you were broke, that they have to understand that your levels have changed, so you need to move with the big boys
Blinged-out Barack
7. When you’re having a conversation and anyone disagrees with you, tell them, ‘What do you know, will you come on and shut up until you make some money’.
8. At work, tell your subordinates, ‘In 10 years, with a lot of hard work, prayer and fasting, you can earn as much as I did 10years ago’.
9. When your friend shows you a new watch he/she just bought, you scream in horror and say, ‘such cheap things can give you skin allergies’.
2. While your friend is celebrating their new Tokunbo car; say ‘Oh that reminds me’, and place a phone call to a car dealer, ordering for the latest, brand-new version of the same car, to add to your fleet.
3. When you drive your brand new car into your neighborhood, be sure to splash muddy water all over the first set of people you come across.
4. Walk into a club during this time of recession, order bottles of champagne which you’ll pop loudly and pour all over yourself
5. When you’re at an event with a friend or family member who is complaining about not being able to pay their bills, bring out the exact amount of money they need from your pocket, and start spraying people with it.
6. Tell your friends who stuck with you when you were broke, that they have to understand that your levels have changed, so you need to move with the big boys
Blinged-out Barack
7. When you’re having a conversation and anyone disagrees with you, tell them, ‘What do you know, will you come on and shut up until you make some money’.
8. At work, tell your subordinates, ‘In 10 years, with a lot of hard work, prayer and fasting, you can earn as much as I did 10years ago’.
9. When your friend shows you a new watch he/she just bought, you scream in horror and say, ‘such cheap things can give you skin allergies’.
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