How to Use Your Money to Make Enemies

1. Plan a huge outing with your friends; you’re all seated around a table, place a large order of food and drink for yourself; eat your food alone, while they all watch longingly.




2. While your friend is celebrating their new Tokunbo car; say ‘Oh that reminds me’, and place a phone call to a car dealer, ordering for the latest, brand-new version of the same car, to add to your fleet.

3. When you drive your brand new car into your neighborhood, be sure to splash muddy water all over the first set of people you come across.

4. Walk into a club during this time of recession, order bottles of champagne which you’ll pop loudly and pour all over yourself


5. When you’re at an event with a friend or family member who is complaining about not being able to pay their bills, bring out the exact amount of money they need from your pocket, and start spraying people with it.

6. Tell your friends who stuck with you when you were broke, that they have to understand that your levels have changed, so you need to move with the big boys


Blinged-out Barack

7. When you’re having a conversation and anyone disagrees with you, tell them, ‘What do you know, will you come on and shut up until you make some money’.

8. At work, tell your subordinates, ‘In 10 years, with a lot of hard work, prayer and fasting, you can earn as much as I did 10years ago’.

9. When your friend shows you a new watch he/she just bought, you scream in horror and say, ‘such cheap things can give you skin allergies’.

How to Make Your Friends Want to Jump Off 3rd Mainland Bridge

Tip 1: Every conversation must be about you, on no account should you give them the chance to be heard; except when you pause to ask what they think about your issues

Tip 2: Make sure you top every thing they tell you with a greater experience of your own just to show that you have it better. E.g. “I just got a great job”, you say “Me I’ve been getting great jobs since..”

Tip 3: Let every word that proceeds out of thy mouth be a complaint about anything from the weather to the size of your head



Tip 4: Like Steve Urkel,
let your presence around them be known by everything getting destroyed. The plates breaking, the roof falling in…

Tip 5: Always borrow stuff from them and never return; then one day go to a friend and ask ‘Can I borrow you for 10minutes?’


Tip 6: Whenever you want their attention, no matter how busy they are, poke them hard in their sides and just keep poking



Tip 7: Sing everything to them; You’re hungry- sing it. You’re angry- Sing it. Even sing your burps and farts

Tip 8: Turn every conversation into an argument in which you are clearly not on point. Just argue for the sake of arguing.

Tip 9: Whenever you’re together, preach to them all the time and try to force your beliefs down their throats. Then insist that if they don't follow your way, they'll all perish!!

How To Make a Marriage Proposal that will get you Dumped- Audience Comments

Tell her u dont really lv her but u want to marry her becos she is beautiful and u want to av beautiful children

After d IV have been produced,on d wedding day tel her u want 2 wash ur dirty cloths

Take her out let knw dat every thing u have are borrwed dat u will return dem after the marrgage simple M.c kofejo

Tell her dt u just confirmd from ur harbalist 2marry her.gbenga williams

Hi tosin, find out so many tins abt her includin her character. B4 she says anytin, u'l say it then u tel her dat: can u see dat we av many tins in common, then u take her to an eatery she likes best. She'l be happy and surprisd dat u think alike. THE DEAL IS DONE. Jummy 4rm sango.


Jst take her out for diner,buy a cup of ice-cream then empty it on her head.,then ax her,do u love me..tope frm ikd...

Hi Tosyn(dis is Edoyak) Dis topic e be as e get! Invite her ova 2 ur place while u equally invite anoda lady she knows u had smtg wit in d past, then hav her wait while u go in2 a private place wit d oda lady. Afta a few hrs emerge and then say u just wantd 2 b sure she is d 1 u want 2 marry!

Hi Tosin.Propose to her but b4 she replys,tel her rudely 2get it in2 her thick skul dt she suld b ready 2av 4oda wives.Benny 4rm Ifo.

Tel her dat afta 5yrs u'l use her 4 money rituals so dat her children wldnt suffer.4rm Image L.B I did it last yr & it workd.

Tel her dat u both must mary&dat she must sponsor d marage.both famly wl b introduced on d wedng dy,wea agbda insted of suit keke they wl rid on paul ikorodu

Tell her to sign a 4 year deal so that when d contract is xpired she can go. Mikel 4rm aguda

Invite her 2a gadrin,n make sure u eat enuf beans b4 lvin home then produce a nasty fart evry time u mention d word love.gbenga williams

Hi tosin,d guy shuld take d lady outside were al his friends er nd give a dirty hot slap nd den ask er 2 marry him

Hi tosin, find out so many tins abt her includin her character. B4 she says anytin, u'l say it then u tel her dat: can u see dat we av many tins in common, then u take her to an eatery she likes best. She'l be happy and surprisd dat u think alike. THE DEAL IS DONE. Jummy 4rm sango.

just call ur girl and tell her let me take care of u before u are outdated,before ur market goes down.kunle

Jude 4rm ojota tip 1 always tell her how much u hate her,2 & if u get marriad dat u ar goin to strangle her . Tip 3 tell her u have 45 wives 101 children aready

Tell her that though ur mother looks more younger than her, ask her will u marry me. Mikel from aguda

Just tel d lady in a proud way, 'just tink about it, and u'll realize dat i deserve 2 av u' and she'll b so disgusted at ur arrogance nd pride...and u'l b dumped lik a piece of rubish even if she liked u. A guy once tried dat wit me. Alice in 1daland.

Just say marry me b4 u get an answer tell her she can go to hell dt there are so many girls outside willing to accept your proposal

:-)Jummy:d guy should invite her 2 his house, look 4 a reason 2 bet her i mean fightin, den shout at her askin her 2 marry him

After promisin abstinence til marriage,wen prposin tak urfriends wit u &den after she says yes av ur way wit her wit ur frends den tell her it's d devil. Funmi

Take the lady to a bear parlour and tell u love her bcos she is 39 and u her 28

How far tosin,here is a tip on how 2 propose,take her to dinner putting on agbada and shout on top of ur voice baby i want marry talk ur own now"omo if say na me b d girl i go just leave d guy waka.mayowa 4rm araromi."

HI TOSIN, 4 A GUY TO PROPOSE TO A GIRL AND GET DUMPED IS BY SIMPLY TELLING THE GIRL THAT HE ONLY PROPOSED JUST TO MAKE HER FRIEND JEALOUS COS SHE REFUSED HIS PROPOSAL. MARY FROM AIRPORT.

How To Make a Marriage Proposal that will get you Dumped

Tip 1: Angrily tell your partner, “Look I’m sick and tired of all this pressure to get married. Let’s just do this and get it over with.” When he/she looks shocked, say; “What is it because I’m not on my knees?”


Tip 2: Produce a plastic ring you collected from your little niece and present to your partner saying, “When you prove to me that your love is not plastic, I’ll upgrade you.”


Tip 3: Search for a proposal online, then copy via email to your partner without bothering to change the name of the original person being proposed to.

Tip 4: Get creative and shoot a bad music video with lots of booty shaking and bling bling, while you sing the proposal.


Tip 5: Get all romantic by going on your knees, producing a diamond ring, and proposing with very beautiful words only to pause as you admire a passing female and begin to shout catcalls at her.


Tip 6: Tell your partner, “I’m the best thing that’s ever going to happen to you, so hold on to me now before you lose an opportunity of a lifetime”

Tip 7: Hold out a panti gold ring to your partner and complain the entire time about how much you had to spend on it. Then ask her that since she’s the one who’ll be wearing the ring why she should refund the money to you.

Tip 8: Tell your partner, “All I’m looking for is someone that’ll finally say yes to me; Will you be that one?”

Tip 9: If you propose and your partner says yes, start wailing and say “Wetin now, you no fit say no!!”

How To Be the House Guest from Hell

Tip 1: Barge into the house in such a way that everyone will think its robbers and scatter.

Tip 2: Walk onto the nice carpet or shiny floor with your dirty shoes; then fall on the couch and place your filthy feet on it. If anyone looks at you funny, ask them if they’ve never seen a person resting before.


Tip 3: Go into the toilet and make loud noises that will shake the house. When you come out, announce to everyone that for their own safety they shouldn’t enter there for the next one week.

Tip 4: Do the Natty style and arrive just as every meal is getting ready. Then say ‘I meet you well’, with a huge smile.


Tip 5: Always come visiting armed with one story or the other that even the little baby knows is a big lie


Tip 6: When you’re leaving, hide as many souvenirs as possible in your bag, inside your trousers, in your cap and even in your shoe.


Tip 7: Ask to stay for one weekend; don’t let them know that your idea of ‘a weekend’ means for the next 2 years.
Tip 8: Always start arguments and controversy, so that by the time you’re leaving, the family is throwing pots and pans at each other


Tip 9: Appoint yourself as the official broadcaster of everything that happens in the house you visit.

How to be a Nuisance on Lagos Roads

How to Be a Nuisance on Lagos Roads

(as culled from Section 'Let Lastma Catch You' of our Highway Code)

Tip 1: Seatbelts are only for people who are afraid; you are fearless and brave so seat what??


Tip 2: Entertain yourself while driving by calling Kausarat, Godspower, Darlington and the rest of your crew for the latest on Okondigbo’s baby mama drama; oh without earphones.

Tip 3: While in traffic, be sure to follow the unruly people who loudly try to get everyone else off the road so they can pass



Tip 4: This tip is for the girls and some guys: It’s more fun to apply your make-up just when the traffic light is about to go green.



Tip 5: Block the entire road when someone lightly scratches your car and take out all your frustrations on them



Tip 6: Since you’ve run out of options on places to hang out, the middle of the road is definitely the best place to play catch-up


Tip 7: Show all these one-headed people that like to pass the right way that one way is the only way.

Tip 8: Big boys and girls cannot under any circumstances stop for the red light


Tip 9: The road belongs to generations of your family, so never share it with those people who keep asking for space in front of you.